hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
thus making me awesome and them whores
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
