my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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