Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why are your pants in the freezer?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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