Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize