it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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