I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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