My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The Olympian is in my bed
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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