my mouth tastes like poor choices
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
