Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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