this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
