My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
