I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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