I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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