If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
