And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
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I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.