I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
