I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
