Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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