idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
