Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
