Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
