a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
