Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
