Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
