now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
