you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
