Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
