he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
