Do you still have your period?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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