I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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