My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
