I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
