I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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