Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
