Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
