There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
