I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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