Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
