remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
