I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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