I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize