But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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