Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
