3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
