I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
