if i can run in heels then i can drive
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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