Well douche your snatch and let's go!
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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