I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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