Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
