had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
