What did we do last night that was yellow?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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