I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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