So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
