dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
