i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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