I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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