tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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