I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
