i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
