I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
