another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
